Updated: Feb 17
Tales of exiting survival mode from a toxic life. One step at a time. One breath at a time.
The divine feminine, and the divine masculine have come together to create the spark of life, for you, your essence, to enter this space and become the physical manifestation of the holy spirit. You have arrived to experience heaven on earth! Or so we thought..............
“We have to break down these trauma walls, and heal to exit survival mode.” Children need to feel safe, but when you open your eyes to toxic mothers and absent fathers being the building blocks of their walls, this is when children learn they are not worthy. The building blocks of ignorance begin.
"The only difference between you and your child, is, you arrived your age years before them on earth. Children come through you, not to you." says Dr. Wayne Dyer. You are to teach them, to show them, to learn from them. He is one of my favorite prophets. Tho he said he is not. But his wisdom is transformative. Is your mother looking after you. Raising and molding you. Is your father there too? Do you remember your childhood? How was it? You meet someone, and you now bring forth a spirit. Intentionally, because this is your choice of your actions. You look at the brand new baby boy or girl, and what are you going to do? You now experience flash backs of your childhood. Pain rises from unhealed blocks, clumps of energy absorbed from judgments, of experiences, with your parents. Pain also rises with unhealed emotions and generational patterns you have absorbed from the energy of others who were around you. Are you ever ready or prepared to recognize your triggers? Ready to accept your new responsibility? How are your emotional reactions vs responses? Do you recognize your patterns in your family? Well, I am here to tell you, we are here to break free from the chains. We are all here at this time to heal our bloodlines.
"Learn from what I say, not as I do."
All I know is, I allowed myself and my life to be taken over by her again. Her being my mother. I would not have had it any other way. I felt I had too. I may have put myself aside, but what insight and knowledge I gained from this experience, reaches lifetimes of healing, love and respect. But most of all, understanding and forgiveness. Understanding and forgiveness are the only energies that dissolve a karmic bond transforming that bond into light. Understanding and forgiveness are the only way into the light. The depths of this power far reaches anything I could have imagined.
My mother died in 2010 from a stroke. She came back surviving in a coma for 2 weeks. After regaining consciousness, she went into beast mode excelling in the rehab department, brain trauma nursing home, teaching herself how to read and write again even if it was not to the level before. She was a fighter. I remember going into the learning center store picking out kindergarten - 2nd grade level. Those were too hard. Preschool is where we landed. Nine months later my mother is rejoining an independent living community with 9-5 care taker. Residents could not believe something was wrong with her. I supported in awe. This woman was always strong and had tenacity . I learned the depths of her fight or flight response. I learned self empowerment. My mother was a teacher. She taught herself. She taught me to teach myself whatever I want to learn. where there is a will, there is a way. I learned I came from a generation of teachers! It is in our nature to show people the way.
Trauma and stress will catapult you into survival mode. Your emotions and generational patterns are your driving force. We all have choices, but we lack the understanding of our driving forces, generational patterns of the energy, of the choice previously made, that lay within your auric field. It's the comfort zone of habitual choices. It's your subconscious. Your subconscious holds all the patterns of our generational and self created learned responses. In caring for mom, our energies would mix and the trigger battles would begin. Our created boundaries, or lack boundaries with understanding began to reveal its self. I chose to stay instead of running, We were tired of fighting. I chose to tame the dragon and learn.
An emotional response is a chemical reaction within our body. When the chemical is released from our brain, the frequency travels down our meridians to the preplanned reaction! Does it go to your neck, tension. Does the reaction show up in your heart? Your heart begins to beat faster. Does the signal shoot into your stomach or kidneys. You can learn to control this path to reach the critical thinking mind, instead of the reactive mind. This chemical release can be just as addictive as an outside substance. We as a society wonder why we are in this cycle of survival, abuse, and addiction. Why is the world the way it is? Why have we lost touch with the element of who we are. Humanity has chosen to look outside of ourselves for happiness. Since the birth of the pill, generations have lost touch with their inner emotional energetic system to the numbing swallowing of a chemical dream. All to produce another chemical reaction within our body to mask our symptoms of the chemical reaction started by our emotional response! Do you see the wheel?! I remember being 5 years old giving pills to my brother as candy. We had to go to the hospital to pump his stomach. Again, we were in New Orleans, but we lived in Opelousas. Dad was not there. Who was I mirroring? I was given diet pills at the age of 9 because I was fat according to my mother and grand mothers. Mom was shamed by them, so she passed that shame down my throat. Therefore the energy went to my throat chakra as a mental attachment, and a block of I'm not good enough. Planted in my throat. That same week I was allowed to stuff 3 hamburgers and ice cream in the same throat! This was the coping skill taught for the shame. Where was the constancy in that!!! Children live by example of your actions. The line I was always told was "Do as i say, not as I do". This is a great example of an oxymoron because children are absorbing and developing cognitive dissonance.
My examples of coping was smoking and drinking by twelve, drugs by fifteen, no one is home kinda coping skills. By 15, neither mom or dad were around. My life was survive or die while finding a safe place to land was rare. I landed in a 30 year addiction trying to escape what I did not understand what was going on! I felt I never had a say, or knew even who I was. We were never blessed with the space to grow. Neither was my mother. My mother said she thought it would be like she was a child. She, and her siblings were left alone, and look how they turned out? Right?
My mother was the oldest of eight. Her father died when she was fifteen. Not only did she have to care for the seven siblings, but also her mother. Her mother was also given medicine for day and night. "Mommy's little helper" as the Rolling Stones sing. As her mother before, and the saga continues. we have lived in the energy, the frequency of survival for so long, it has become our comfort zone. Fear has become comfortable. My mother loved with fear because thats all she knew. All her grandmother knew. My mothers' "Blind Rage" was our normal.
Fast forward the life time line to 2012. The energy of the world is shifting. My mother's walls have crumbled. Mother and I are able to have those hard conversations with respect and love. Understanding brought forgiveness, brought a deeper love without fear. We both have never experienced this. We became friends. We became sisters. We discovered boundaries and more. The most important experience is we learned how to respect and love each other and ourselves. Self love brought out the respect of our growth.
In the end I had to forgive myself for choosing me over the last 3 hours of her life to know it was ok, and she understood. I was not in a mental place to ask her final thoughts because I knew she and I were not in a good mental place. The septic levels of bacteria in her blood left her delusional. I was exhausted. The week before, in a few moments of lucidity, when I asked her if she was ready to go home. She answered yes. It was at this time, I understood the meaning of quality over quantity. I knew what I had to do. It was time for me to walk my mom home.
This was the greatest honor and the greatest sadness at the same time to experience. During the past nine years, mom and I would study religion, spirituality, and the metaphysical world. This has been a part of our life. I was not aware of her beliefs, nor was she aware of mine. We bonded in spirituality. We bonded in Love and Light. We bonded in GOD.
I was gifted the honor, at the time of her death, to witness her family come. The angels come. Her father and mother enter to bring her soul home. I was blessed to see my mothers' essence leave her body. I know who she is. I know who I am. I now know self love.